Oh, Somalia!
BY: HASYA MUKHI DEVI DASI
Nov 13, 2011 — MOGADISHU, SOMALIA (SUN) —
A Vacation Paradise This Is Not!
Well, I'm here in Somalia and it isn't exactly the vacation paradise my Temple President promised when he put me on the plane. Unfortunately for me, my would-be host, Mr. Crorepatinandani, sent me an e-mail which said in part:
"Do you think that we Hindus enjoy having you American ISKCON freeloaders barge into our lives with demands for food and drink six times a day? Don't waste our hot water. You can go swim in the river like proper sadhus. We have lives of our own. You cannot go around the world leeching from one Hindu household after another looking for a free vacation. Go away. You can stay at the Satya Sai Baba Mission."
He was really angry. And rude! I wonder if maybe one of ISKCON's traveling bands stayed with him on their world tour (?) Hm-m-m-m.
Naturally, I had my attorney send Mr. Crorepatinandani a carefully-worded response signed by the Undersecretary of the ISKCON Guest Is God Ministry (GGM). We reminded him of his Hindu duty to serve us popcorn and fresh squeezed orange juice at proper times. But he was unmoved by my threats about angry Yamadutas. He retorted, "You are not Hindus when it is convenient for you, and then you become Hindus when it is convenient. To naraka with your hypocrisy." OK, Mr. Crorepatinandani, just wait and see!
I'm beginning to think that I must have left on this "Mother Hasya Mukhi World Tour" under a bad muhurta.
I mean, it's not like I didn't have some temple service back in America. My expert services and engagements were much sought after. Right now, I could be getting my degree in Jnana Yoga, which everybody knows is the goal of Bhagavad-gita studies. Oh, you're surprised? So was I! But it's right there on the Bhakti Sastri website. Therefore, according to the teachers at Bhaktivedanta College, the final message of the Gita must be "Just shut up and know!" Which for most of us means that the goal is to get to the state you were in before you came to Krishna consciousness!
I had other opportunities waiting for me back in America, too. I was asked by the Minister of the Interfaith Steering Committee (ISC) to be the host at the coming Mother Teresa Festival. I mean, if they can have George Harrison Festivals, then why can't ISKCON hold Festivals for Amitabha Bacchan or Albert Einstein or Barack Obama or Jeffrey Armstrong or Mother Teresa? Look, their stated purpose for their George Harrison Festivals -- it's to attract the general members of the public. Considering the quality of entertainment those baseball-worshipping karmis enjoy, attracting them is not a problem. I mean, getting lovers of pig entrails (those things they call "hot dogs") to hang with us shouldn't be too challenging, as long as it doesn't entail chanting Hare Krishna.
To be sure, Mother Teresa is a hot commodity in ISKCON these days. Even ISKCON Vrindavana is sending out requests for money in the name of Mother Teresa. Which is a little ironic, since Mother Teresa actually ate the sacred cows that the Vrajavasis worship. Radhanath Swami talks about "Mother" like she is one of his GBC colleagues. He speaks lovingly about her in his book, The Journey Home, as though she's a some kind of Puranic hero. And in his book, By His Example, Sriman Gurudas Prabhu even compares Mother Teresa to Lord Chaitanya. If you want to make money in ISKCON these days, just get teary-eyed, talk about Mother Teresa like she's your Godsister, and the bucks will come rolling in.
So, anyway, I had this really funny comedy routine to perform at the Mother Teresa Festival, but stupid me, I went and chose this Somalia trip instead. O, well! My skit was about this Midday Meal humanitarian Swami who goes to meet Mother Teresa and she introduces him to this leper named Laghubhai. Well, not wanting to appear rude, the Maharaja shakes Laghubhai's hand and the leper's finger falls off in the Swami's hand. I mean it was hilarious, with the Swami not knowing what to do with this finger and all. Even Mother won't take it. If I had gotten my big break, then by now I'd probably be on "India's Got Talent" with the Madhvas.
But why stop with comedy routines at Mother Teresa Festivals? We can also have "Blooped Acharya Festivals". I do great Kirtanananda Swami and Shrila Acharyadeva imitations. Oh well, why fantasize about what could have been? Today here I am, a talent wasted.
But if only I had been given the chance to perform my act or take the Jnani Shastri exam, I could have been somebody. I could have been a contender! I could have been a Jnani. Instead of a camper in a refugee village in Mogadishu, which is what I am… Oh the horror!
