I Want to be a Guru
BY: BHAKTA PEDRO
Apr 20, 2012 — USA (SUN) — My dear Loving Brothers of the GBC,
Friends, Romans, Countrymen and My Fellow Americans, lend me your votes. With all humility at my command I bow before the divine feet of the GBC (and no one else) because I need to ask you a favor. And should my humility be insufficient, then let me express my willingness to search out more of it somewhere. Still, as we all know, excessive amounts of humility are not required to serve in my chosen capacity, which is to become a guru like you. The lack of need for humility is a lesson learned from the websites of each of you and is an example that I hold dear.
Humility, though it may amount to a hill of beans, should at least be expressed, if not felt. Neither should you begrudge my desire to come aboard the Good Yacht GBC with all its guru pomp and glory, for surely there is room for one more pious soul who longs for his feet to be adored just as yours are.
Now I beg that you must understand that it is due to my selfless devotion alone that I am smitten with this strong desire to follow in your holy footsteps and to pursue your divine examples. Specifically, I am drawn to the sacred paradigm of His Holiness Sri Romapada Swami, whose glories have set my heart a-flutter. His example has attracted my yearning to serve mankind and to deliver the entire planet from evil.
I Bhakta Pedro, your humble servant, long to follow in the footsteps of Shrila Romapada
I have noticed from his bio-data on the website of Shrila Romapada that His Holiness "appeared" in 1948 in Utica, New York. This is an obvious indication of his future divinity, because Sri Utica Dham is none other than the janmastan of Sri Annette Funicello.
Like His Holiness Shrila Romapada, Her Grace Annette also appeared in Utica, a sure omen of future divinity
Sri Ryan O'Neil is also a famous Utican, and the late lamented jiva Dick Clark Prabhu also got his start here. Therefore let the true believer, he or she whose eyes are spiked open with the salve of love for Sri Guru, know for certain that this Appearance Day of The Maharaja is certainly blessed with all auspiciousness.
Personally, I did not have the good fortune to appear in Utica, although I am glorified by having appeared of my own sweet will in the same state. For I, too, appeared in New York, specifically in Queens, next to the Long Island Cemetary and Crematorium where all those Bowery bums are turned into ashes. I appeared roadside, along the famous marg known as Highway 495, while Mom was hitchhiking to Greenwich Village.
Another extraordinary parallel that exists between Shrila Romapada Prabhu and myself is found in the words from his site,
"Although the youngest member of the family, Srila Romapada Swami was respected by the others as the most responsible, the most principle-centered, and the highest achiever amongst them. In course of time, the youngest son of the family would display his unique wisdom and superexcellence in all respects."
Remarkably, those sentiments of pure self-adoration could have been written about me as well. OK, so I'm the only child of my mother, but I have heard that Dad did have lots of other children—mostly around Arkansas, where he lived in a hut hiding from the Federal authorities. And I have heard that my half-brothers and -sisters were a gang of dysfunctional losers, apparently somewhat like the Swami's siblings. Therefore I am supreme amongst them, and this fact should be noted and duly taken into account by your distinguished panel.
Like Romapada Maharaja, another qualification I bring to the round table is a strong sense of Christian morality. As his site continues,
"Coming from a Christian upbringing, he received a strong sense of values, as passed on by his mother and father. As a child, he was deeply thoughtful about his experiences in life."
What a co-incidence, I'm a Christian too! And as such, I must immediately be allowed onto the neatly-manicured lawn of the GBC Country Club. Like a good Christian, I promise to restrain myself from most varieties of illicit sex and to swear off any indulgence in many forms of intoxication, except on certain holidays like Christmas, when Christians find getting wasted is acceptable. As far as other examples of my being washed pure in the blood of the Savior, I still have the Easter bonnet that I wore in the High School Easter parade. I also maintain a large collection of Easter eggs, too, as proof of my Christian heritage and fine upbringing. After all, being a "Holiness" in ISKCON for many of you exalted GBC members does indeed require comporting oneself in a holier-than-thou manner; in other words like a Christian priest. Much as His Eminence Romapada does. I, too, am certainly prepared to make all necessary sacrifices in exchange for the few obvious perks that are part of your job description. It's hard work, I know, but someone's got to do it.
I further promise to write my own bio-data for my ISKCON Guru Website—much as each of you has done—and in that way relieve you scholars of the need for digging up the details of my celebrated past. As any guru web surfer has noticed, self-glorification is a true mark of a humble guru in a business wherein too much humility is not acceptable. In fact, humility can be devastating if we are to understand the example of those nameless and pathetically subservient rank and file foot soldiers who have been bulldozed and buried alive by the grand machine of your GBC over the last thirty years. So, by writing my own bio-data, I will save you countless hours of research into the divinity of my Appearance, which stands to be celebrated much like each of you glorious torch bearers of Truth, Devotion and the Good Life.
One small request, if you do not mind, is that Jayadvaita must not edit my bio-data. My words must be left AS THEY ARE for posterity and for the salvation of my future worshippers. When my glories are set in stone, who is the GBC to chisel away with their own version?
And speaking of set in stone, I desire to see in advance the plans for that granite bust of me that will appear in the GBC Museum and Hall of Fame in Delhi on the day of my induction ceremony.
By now you are wondering from where I have obtained the temerity to seek permission to invade your Guild of Brotherly Christ-figures (GBC). Well, wonder no more. It is a result of an apparition I recently experienced, a divine vision accompanied by a mystical voice. To be truthful, I had the vision while I was shaving this morning and looking in the mirror. True, the voice somehow mystically emanated from my own larynx. However, as I am part of the whole Divinity and Universe cycle, much as each of one you are, my experience certainly qualifies me to hop aboard your pleasure craft. Like each of you, I too am a spark of Divinity and it takes just a spark to light the world. Let us say that since I have had the revelation I ask you to accept that it is a command of God that I am allowed into your holy clique.
One small caveat, if you do not mind. I have noticed the gala dietary regimen of His Holiness Romapada Swami as given on his website as follows:
"If you are planning to cook for His Holiness Romapada Swami Maharaja, please refer to the Dietbook to know about his dietary constraints. This document also contains some frequently used recipes. Please contact us at http://www.romapadaswami.com/?q=feedback if you have any questions." Of course Romapada's encyclopedic Dietbook is a product of his ecstatic love and his desire to engage his disciples in his constant service for the upliftment of the Universe. And it is bona fide, as it was recommended by an ayurvedic doctor and no doubt a highly paid one.
So as a guru in ISKCON I have to post that I have a similar need, but it is one that affects the opposite end of the tube. I require an enema several times a day at specific hours, and I only bathe with Perrier water heated to 74 degrees F. So do not mind that my website must reflect this genuine need. After all, my bowels are sensitive and the treatment was ordered by an ayurvedic physician and tantric practitioner from Assam, so my needs are very genuine indeed. Also, I request that Srila Romapada cook some of his special preparations for me each year on my Vyasa Puja.
Now I certainly do not wish for any of you exalted souls, my GBC readers, to send a polite e-note to His Holiness Romapada Maharaja suggesting that it is rather gauche that a so-called renunciate should list his predilection for chomping away at certain foodstuffs right on a public forum. That is the right and the burden of divinity. Besides it would be a botheration to his overworked personal webmaster to have to delete his veritable encyclopedia of recipes.
So, thanks in advance, GBC guys and girls, for approving my request. I'll see you next year in Mayapur (and I'll bring my Perrier water!)
Best wishes to each of you,
Bhakta Pedro
