The Reality of Sex Desire
BY: HAMSAVATAR DAS (ACBSP)
Apr 17, 2012 — OCALA, FLORIDA, USA (SUN) — I read with interest the recent article by Srimati Abhaya Mudra dasi, "Sex and Spirituality". The main premise of her philosophical points about sexual desire being the binding force to repeated birth and death in this world is certainly inarguable. However, some of the comparisons of sexual climax being akin to the ecstasy of brahman realization, or actual merging in the brahman effulgence, seem to be somewhat "speculatory", unless there is something I am missing here.
However, the conclusions put forward of the "origins of the sexual experience, projections of sexual experience, and overcoming the sex addiction of impersonalism" seem utterly disjointed, unreal and without coherency. Nor do I see any scriptural basis for the conclusions. Choice quotes somewhat unrelated to the core of this article are used and the ending leaves the reader wondering "what exactly is her point?". Philosophy of love for Krishna is intertwined with conjectures that are incongruent to the reality of who we are, where we live and what is attainable for the majority of those that will read the Sun.
No devotees think sex is a yoga process, nor do devotees believe that unrestrained sexual indulgence is compatible with spiritual advancement. However, to infer that one is an impersonalist and not a devotee, or that unless one has fully "surpassed sex desire" that they should simply throw in the towel seems ludicrous. What's the purport? Pretend you're somebody other than who you are? Commit suicide before you "fall down" again in a sexual liaison with your own wife or husband?
The realities of most devotees' lives when it comes to complete celibacy is that it is not possible. We do not encourage increased sexual promulgation, but sex between a man and a woman that are married is NOT illicit. The way this is written could actually further an imposition of "blame, guilt and shame" onto the psyches of the majority of those aspiring to eventually rise to the topmost platform. "At the topmost platform of realization and pure devotion to Lord Krishna, there is no more attraction to material sex life". Anybody take opposition to this statement? Of course not! However, the majority of devotees are not on that platform and the advancement towards it will be gradual.
Marriage allows devotees to sanctify their sexuality, sharing it with only each other. The purpose is to bring Krishna conscious children into the world. However, sex desire is not so easy to quell and therefore Srila Prabhupada has said that for us, "marriage is a license for restricted sex life". Without that we have furthering of guilt, shame and worst of all, violence. Men blame their wives, calling them "maya devis" and there have been countless cases of abuse following such ranting and raving. Householders are not committing sinful activity when they have sex in marriage. Do I even need to recount the countless cases of phony swamis, perverts in the dress of swamis, pedophile swamis and just plain old devious and dishonest ones that eventually leave? Talk about sick and twisted persons in the guise of saints!
The reality is that sex desire is natural. Therefore we should get married, be faithful and "satisfy our lusty desires with one wife or husband". That is a quote of Prabhupada's. The conclusion of this article seems to be that as long as there is marital compatibility then a couple can live as blissful servitors of the Lord in complete celibacy. Get real! Why would anyone want to get married if they had already surpassed sex desire? (I'm willing to bet that 99% of devotees reading this are nodding their heads up and down.) You'd have to be mad! That's akin to an alcoholic getting sober, but keeping a nice big bottle of whiskey in every room of his house, just to look at and smell its aroma!
Now for we older men and women, it's gotten a lot easier. Chew the chewed for long enough, especially considering the boon we have of Krishna conscious philosophy and chanting the maha-mantra for the past 40 years, and it slows to a trickle. But if you are suggesting that young devotees who are now celibate shall be considered failures as devotees or worse "impersonalists" when they find sexual desire popping its head up again, well...it's sheer lunacy. ISKCON or any other Vaishnava groups that could propound such a foolish philosophy are doomed to remain completely dysfunctional, populated with adherents whose minds will remain riddled with guilt, shame and despondency. This is one of the reasons that ISKCON's "marital track record" is worse than karmi society.
One of the other reasons is lack of compatibility to begin with, but more than anything else the reason is that couples don't know HOW to have a healthy marriage, which includes a sexual relationship without guilt and shame. And simply learning how to care about someone else's needs and desires, as well as your own. Putting it plain and simple, many do not know how to relate in a healthy manner, are downright selfish, and think that whatever THEIR opinions are about everything must be right. Couples have to learn how to listen to each
other. Many come from dysfunctional backgrounds, and will increase it to the enth degree with a pseudo "front" of pretense about a natural function of married life.
Then what happens is that as soon as there are disagreements in the marriage they "stop" having sex with each other. And then what happens? They have an illicit affair! Then they get divorced, sometimes get married to the new sexual partner (sometimes not), but at the end of the day they end up confused, depressed and unhappy. The way to become a real devotee is to chant, pray, worship, and follow the processes of devotional service. Chant, be happy and have faith in Srila Prabhupada's instructions, and his love for us. With spiritual advancement sexual desire automatically decreases. Trying to artificially stamp it out is just like trying to keep a bubble of air underwater. It will rise to the surface eventually, and if your life is based on a pretense of "being" someone other than who you really are, then you crash and burn. Sound familiar?
Brahmacaris and sannyasis should be celibate. Let's start there. As for the community of householders, how about some love for each other, camaraderie, compassion and learning how to have friendships? Stay out of the householders bedrooms. Everyone that sincerely practices Vaishnava sadhana during their lives will get where they truly want to go in time. Always strive for the ultimate goal, but learn to be happy with who you are today.
Please understand, mataji, that I mean no offense. Remember that I am also an astrologer for more than 30 years and have countless years of experiencing counseling many devotees and nondevotees on such matters. Your husband is an elder and wise disciple of Srila Prabhupada and that your own marriage is one of celibacy is commendable, and certainly a good example for
men in their 60's, which is your husband's age group, as well as my own. However, it is not something common, nor even practical for those in their more "youthful" years.
Sincerely,
Hamsavatar das ACBSP
